This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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