Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
