I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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