I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
