Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
