I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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