Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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