my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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