why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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