you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
