I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize
