The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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