the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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