my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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