remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
