you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
