how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
