Swine flu. Run for my life!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
