genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My penis needs a shock collar
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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