Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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