so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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