youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How does one acquire holy water?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
