I think I won the penis lottery.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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