Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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