I accidentally burped into my bong.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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