ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
