Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
