brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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