i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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