hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
