The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
