Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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