let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
