I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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