apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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