I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's Friday. Sex?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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