Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
