He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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