I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
