there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize