my phone needs a breathalizer
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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