i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
