life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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