No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
