Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
