how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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