I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
