I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is wine microwaveable?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
