A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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