It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
