Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
