I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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