my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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